Hello. I haven’t posted anything here since the middle of June. See, I was free for the whole month of June, since I had a break from college. But I went through a break-up in the early part of the month. Partly because I was seeing some doctors and was way too exhausted to see my partner for more than one date, which made him think I was basically rejecting him and didn’t like him anymore (even though I clearly stated that it was my health problems), and then some more talking (including some stuff after he calmed down) and… yeah, it was a pretty unceremonious break-up.1 Kinda just sucked. Pretty mediocre.
And then I was prescribed some medication for my right leg (there’s pain, reduced sensation, and tingling). Supplements mainly. And one of them has side effects. Godawful fucking side effects.2 Those started hitting. And then college started again in July. So I am doing that with the regular pain and the medication side effects.3 Also, I lost my hype and energy and the thing of, “I’m being controlled by rats on cocaine, like the guy in Ratatouille, except it’s multiple rats and they’re INSIDE my head (not on top of it) and they’re drugged up and loving life and are not organized at all, just fucking around”, that ended and left me drained.
I did not write much flash fiction as a result. I DID do a little bit of music and art, and I AM learning more stuff so I can work on my games (an RPG called 29 Days of Fog and a very simple roguelite I won’t talk about yet), but mostly I’m just trying to get through every day without turning into a pile of unidentifiable fleshy goop.
I have regained some crumbs of energy, though. See look I made this with the crumbs look at this it is a song thing animation noise thing, a thing a creation a thing:
But yeah, there’s the explanation. The crumbs can help me write again. Hopefully I’ll be back to the “2 new flash fictions each month” schedule again. I like writing because it extracts the worms and snakes and ants and centipedes from my head.4 So I will do more of that again.
I did toss some of my writing to literary magazines, but nothing has come of it yet. I expected that, since I already know most writers get a bunch of rejections before they get anything published. Nothing left but to try more. And also to post here more, for the simple reason that I just like doing it.
I also want to write more and more random small songs. Again, worms and snakes and ants and centipedes. Clean them out. Life sucks and the world sucks and my energy and optimism are drained, because I don’t even have it particularly rough and yet it’s still difficult to handle. But again… nothing left but to try more. Just try more. Just keep going forward. There’s a few people here and there who are absolutely amazing and make everything worth it. Some times are less difficult than others. Some efforts yield fruit, whether it’s money (those magazine submissions…) or it’s someone saying, “I like the thing you made. I didn’t know how to describe certain strange experiences I’ve had, but the thing you made has described it! I finally feel like someone understands, I finally feel seen, I feel less alone!” or it’s someone saying, “Hey, what the fuck is this?”
All of it is worth it.
In conclusion: Expect flash fiction again!
There were some other issues as well. If you are walking alongside someone who uses a cane to walk, you should not grab their cane and lift it up FOR them in an attempt to ‘help’. It is scary and jarring. Imagine if someone grabbed and lifted up YOUR leg out of nowhere.
That, and there’s something else which requires a preface: So, I’m a trans man, and I do not pass for male. When I’m hanging out with other people who know I’m trans and see me as I am, and I get misgendered and/or deadnamed, there’s a sense of shared discomfort. A sense of, “damn, they don’t see you the way I see you” and a sense of, “damn, sucks for you.” This didn’t really happen with the ex. He misgendered me (though he did immediately correct it; still, how do you do that accidentally with someone who you have only known as male, how do you do that when you claim to see my “true self”?) and he kinda just went along with the misgendering, it’s like it felt natural to him or something. I mean, I’ve gone through the men’s security line at an event before, it just requires a brief bit of explaining that I AM a man. This guy though, we were going through the metro station and he was like, “yeah you’ll have to go through that line”, pointing me to the women’s and— god, why didn’t I go, “no, I can go through the men’s, especially if you back me up a bit”? Well, the answer is, “I was already exhausted on that day.” Drained from doctors’ visits, drained from dealing with some people who happened to be assholes, AND it was such a hot and humid day! Why did he take that so naturally, why was there not even a HINT of shared discomfort!
I’m over it now, since it’s almost been 2 months, it didn’t last very long (though it was intense), and I’ve since moved on to better stuff. But still, what the fuck? I’m never dating someone who’s so idealistic that the issues don’t even exist in their mind.
There’s a couple different meds I’ve been prescribed, but the one with side effects is L-Carnitine. It’s meant to build up the muscle in my right leg. I fucking hate the side effects. Stomach problems and weakness and dizziness. The stomach stuff calmed down after a while, and the dizziness is manageable as long as I’m hydrated. The weakness? Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. I can still manage to go to the gym twice a week (upper body workouts), but that’s purely because of discipline + the fact that it’s a habit + the fact that it uplifts my mood and self-esteem a bit. My college performance? Chud gaye.
The other stuff is vitamin D and vitamin B12, since I’m deficient in those. B12 may be causing my neurological symptoms. I’m seeing the doctor again in September and hopefully I can stop the L-Carnitine since I’m not sure how helpful it actually is. I mean, my right leg isn’t that weak (I think), I just can’t put pressure on it because it hurts and sometimes I can’t get an idea of where it is (due to the numbness), and the L-Carnitine side effects are not worth it. At all. I’m so tired.
The vitamins will probably take time to take effect. There is no improvement whatsoever, as of now. It may take more time. It’s been almost 2 months. May take 6 months or more. There is currently no improvement at all. I am 20 years old. This has already taken 5, almost 6 years from me. Carry on, hausla banaye rakho, never give up, etc etc, whatever the fuck.
I also continue being closeted as trans. It fucking sucks. I don’t have enough friends offline who know I’m trans. Straight-up living a lie. And I’d still say I have it pretty good, because I have solid friends and my brother is supportive too. These people are hundreds of kilometres away, though. DAY-TO-DAY I’m mostly living a lie. Either that will stop some day (when I’m financially independent) or I won’t be able to bear it anymore and just choke to death.
Just look at these footnotes! Very cathartic to write.