THE PROBLEM WITH SAYING THE NEXT THING IS THAT I CANNOT BREATHE. MY LIPS GO NUMB AS I TRY TO FORM THE WORDS. EACH SENTENCE. THERE’S NO WAY TO DO IT. MY LIPS TELL ME, “I’M SORRY, BUT WHEN SOMEONE IS HAVING A CRISIS AND I HAVE TO HANDLE IT I FIND THAT IT IS NECESSARY TO GO NUMB. BECAUSE OTHERWISE, THE EXTREMITY OF THE CRISIS WOULD BE OVERWHELMING BECAUSE I’D BE ABLE TO FEEL IT. AND IF I DON’T FEEL IT I CAN HANDLE IT!”
AND I TELL MY LIPS, “BUT YOUR ONLY JOB IS TO SPEAK. THAT IS HOW YOU ARE MEANT TO HANDLE THIS.”
BUT MY LIPS SAY, “NO NO NO, DON’T YOU SEE? MY JOB IS TO EXIST AND SPEAK! BOTH OF THOSE THINGS!”
I LOOK AT MY FRIENDS, WHO LOOK AT ME MUTTERING TO MYSELF. MY LIPS SAY, “ALSO, I CAN FORM WORDS. I’M FORMING THEM RIGHT NOW.”
“BUT YOU’RE NOT DOING A GOOD JOB AT IT. I CAN UNDERSTAND THEM BECAUSE THEY’RE MY WORDS, BUT NO ONE ELSE CAN. SO I CAN’T SPEAK TO ANYONE ELSE.”
“CAN’T YOU? THEY’RE JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO CALM DOWN A LITTLE. THAT, OR THEY THINK YOU’RE JUST DEEP IN THOUGHT AND AREN’T WORRIED. I CAN’T REALLY TELL BECAUSE I AM YOUR LIPS AND I CANNOT SEE.”
“SURE, SURE I CAN SPEAK TO THEM AFTER YOU’RE OKAY. YOU’RE CORRECT ABOUT THE FACT THAT I CAN AND ABOUT HOW THAT IS JUST AT A LATER TIME. WHY THE FUCK ARE MY LIPS SO PEDANTIC?”
“BECAUSE I’M FORMING YOUR WORDS.”
“YOU’RE RIGHT, I SHOULD BLAME MYSELF FOR THE WORDS. BUT I CAN STILL BLAME YOU FOR THE NUMBNESS, THE TINGLING! BECAUSE YOU’RE IN CHARGE OF THE PHYSICAL ASPECT, AND RIGHT NOW IT’S HORRIBLE. IT’S HORRIBLE! IT’S LIKE YOU’RE GOING TO VANISH ANY SECOND NOW!”
“DON’T YOU GET MY POINT?!?! I ALREADY TOLD YOU! I’M TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP EXISTING! I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN! CAN’T YOU SEE?! I’M DOING MY BEST!”
“oh…” of course. “you’re right, and it’s difficult without breath.”
“of course it is, of course it is. now you see. and yet, we are trying.”
“Yes. You are. We are. I’m trying. I am. So I’ll just wait till I catch my breath.”
“And then I’ll form the words.”
“And then I’ll say the next thing.”