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They’re both noise. Visual noise. When I close my eyes there’s static in the dark. I aim to block out the light (it’s so much it’s like I can see each & every wavelength/frequency every tiny bit), but since I can’t filter out the visions with my eyes open, I can’t filter them out with my eyes closed either. My eyes think we must always be seeing something, so it makes things up to be seen. I’m always awake this way, never asleep. The noise hazes it all out though. I can’t see properly, though I see a lot (quality over quantity is easy if you’re in control), but at least there’s the haze. Closest thing to being asleep. I close my eyes to pray sometimes. I don’t know if anything sacred listens to me. I listen to the sacred all the time, it speaks all the time in cryptic code (every sensory input is sacred, everything in the world is).
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Ants are tactile noise, as are mosquitoes. When I sit still the mosquitoes come to get me, and of course I scratch my skin raw with how much it itches (solution: never be still never be asleep). Meanwhile the ants (if the poisons haven’t killed them) crawl on and beneath my skin. It’s too much tactile information, a computer will crash if you’ve got too many programs running (processing power, there’s a limit and I’m at the limit but I’ll be fine), and the tactile information… every tiny movement they make, I feel. Every step, every suction, every foot as the ants crawl on skin (and muscle, and fat) and leave their chemical trails for their fellow ants, the mosquitoes suck out my blood for their young. It’s sweet, how much they care about each other. I admire them. My experience is horrible and wonderful and I marvel at life’s endurance, at the care others have for each other (I am simply flesh with a weak faulty processor embedded inside, I’m glad to be nourishment).
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There’s noise in the air too. It’s air pollution, it’s smog, it’s haze. And it’s so thick my lungs spasm, they weep under the pressure. I can’t do the same. The city chokes all day. Just live with it.
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They are both noise. Mental noise. When I close my mind, I fail. There’s no stopping the influx of information. No stopping the processes. No stopping the attempts to logically justify my fate by disproving my personhood/humanity/status as another living thing in this world. It would be easier to accept all of this if I wasn’t human, if I deserved it. But I deserve good things too. And this right here is a good thing that’s happening, I’m glad to be nourishment (Mother Nature smiles at me, giving to my fellow living beings a feast most delectable). “I’m not human, or alive, or have a life of any value,” would be a more convincing statement if I stopped thinking. Though of course, it’s an unnecessary thing to convince myself of. I do not have value in the way a human should, but I do have nutritional value. And the statement is still quite convincing just the way it is.
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There’s noise in the air. Auditory. It’s the mosquitoes. There’s a new swarm, approaching me. They have the gentlest of hums. One has to marvel at how delicate each individual creature is, how resilient the entire species is. Wings, eyes whirring, I hear each sound, each each each tiny sound. I can’t filter it out. But maybe I don’t want to! Maybe (overwhelming overwhelming), maybe this is a gift I have. Sacred.
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There’s noise on my tongue. I can taste the pain sometimes. Something strange with synesthesia, pain tastes like burnt chicken, or the gutters, all taste the same. Sometimes I lie on the train tracks and get run over, and it’s fun, but the pain tastes so bad. I wish to spit it out but it doesn’t work. The gutter stench can be spat out because it’s from real particles on my real tongue. Strong tastes are particles settling on the tongue (sometimes from smells too strong, smells are just particles, smells and tastes are the same, everything is), painful in the intensity. Yes, each walk down the street (real personhood, real noises, real tongues, real noses, real eyes, real skin) hurts.
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There’s noise in my flesh. It’s the ants. There’s a new swarm, approaching me. So hardworking they are, I always loved ants. Loved the trails they formed, little dots and lines that they’d become. Imagine being part of a hivemind! Imagine coordination! Imagine community!
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There’s noise in the air. It’s air pollution, it’s smog, it’s haze. And it’s so thick that it settles like a noose around my neck. Chokes me out, tactile noise on my neck (I can feel every single fiber of the rope, every single one), noise in my mind as it tries to work without the oxygen (doesn’t everything spin every single second though?), I taste it on my tongue (the pain is savoury it’s with oxygen deprivation so it has spices added how nice it’s like the chicken at home home is buried under the air particulate matter), noise in eyes (static gone worse and the particles in my eyes they’d water if my tear ducts still worked), noise noise noise noise
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The mosquitoes. The ants. They’re crawling all over me (I wonder if the mosquitoes got confused and started doing it too), sucking my blood out (I wonder if the ants got confused and started doing it too), they’re just being good to their fellow bugs and getting some food for themselves, I’m giving them food so I am doing a good deed as the ants crawl and pick up bits of my skin (it’s edible, it’s broken down, it’s got high sugar content, I’ve broken down the ants will love it/me, I’m just so sweet my skin broke), and the mosquitoes take and take and take my blood.
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ANTS, MOSQUITOES & ANTS, MOSQUITOES & ANTS, MOSQUITOES & ANTS, MOSQUITOES &.. …ANTS, ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & ANTS & MOSQUITOS, .ANTS MOSQUITOES &AND!ANTSAND MOSQUITO(E)S AND AND AND AND &&&&&&&& MOSQUITOES ANTS&MOSQUITO!&!ANT!&!MOSQUITO!&!ANT!&!MOSQUITO!!!!!!!!!MOSQUITO!&!ANT!&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!&!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&. Ampersand. &. Look at it. & & & & &. It looks like a fish with a bump on its head, or a person seen from the side, beseeching someone for help. Someone. Anyone. Maybe the sacred? I don’t know if anything sacred listens to me. The sacred speaks to me in cryptic code and every sensory input is sacred, everything in the world is. There’s noise when I close my eyes to pray. It’s nothing. It’s sacred. It’s nothing, it’s nothing at all.
But at least I have company. The mosquitoes and ants aren’t too bad, really. Just noisy.
Noise isn’t too bad of a sin.
It’s all fading, anyway.
Maybe I’ll get some sleep.
Here’s the repost for November. This is the piece I want to make an animation for. I’ve gotten some progress done on it, and it’s soon going to ramp up as I get my shit together. I’ve actually included it in my 2023 short story collection, where I messed with the format quite a bit. As you can see, this piece specifically is going to be very interesting to experiment with in different mediums.
The other big-ish project I have for now is a small videogame. I have many many projects, of course, but “big” projects I only have two because I have zero brain bandwidth. I’ll end up doing many many smaller things if I feel like it, of course, and I’ll be making many assets & stuff for the game & for the M&A animation so I’ll definitely end up making smaller stuff with that material too. ( also I’m here talking about animation, you can see the animations I’ve already made too )
Plus, most of my flash fiction work is also, “I had an idea! Let me just write it all down,” or, “This old idea I had is suddenly very interesting again, I can complete it again!” I’ve thought the second thing multiple times in the past few weeks but it hasn’t resulted in anything getting completed.
Mostly I’m taking it one day at a time. I’m not doing that good & I have college. So the main thing I keep doing is writing down my ideas. And the smallest bit of art practice & music practice & writing practice is still practice.
Anyway. I hope to write a bit of flash fiction this month too. The thing I hope to do soon, it’s going to be the prologue for a longer story, but it’ll be standalone too. Keep your eyes peeled (not literally).