Biding my time
Hold on tight to the rays of light which you send out into the eyeballs of the ones who watch. Who, exactly, is watching? Well, you’ll notice that you forgot to put any tape on your webcam. Now, is there any indication that there’s someone out there watching you? No. And is there any reason why someone might do that? Well, there’s a chance that someone’s scheming. And there’s a chance that every single person you know is in on it. Is the chance small? Sure, but it DOES exist. Why shouldn’t it? Everything in life is just a waking dream. The dreams are made of perceptions, perceptions which may not be true to reality but you ARE perceiving them, they ARE being perceived, and doesn’t that lend them some amount of realness? A temporary realness, a realness which exists for so little time that it may not exist at all. But even if it’s small, shouldn’t we count it?
Hold on tight, hold on tight to even the tiniest beliefs. You’re not the realest person around yourself, you’re deeply deceptive and you’re deeply fake. So you NEED to hold on to anything that’s remotely real about you, and holding onto your beliefs is probably the best way to achieve that. I mean, if even you can believe in something, then that means the belief must be pretty damn irrefutable, yes? It must be very very convincing. You who has the deception wrapped all around you, like a कवच (can’t be bothered to translate it; rolls off the tongue better anyway) which can’t be broken yet. But see that word: YET, yet, yet! That’s the key word. Because if it was meant to be a PERMANENT कवच, then there would be no need to hold onto anything. Agar aisa hota toh tum bas sarak pe jaake, bina kuch soche, saal-bhar bas chalte rehte. Chalte rehte. Kaha jaate, yeh nahi pata. Kahi nahi jaate. Bas chalte rehte. Tumhari disha, tumhara pata, tumhara naam, tumhare barei mei aur tumhare safar ke barei koi bhi chiz maayne nahi rakhti. But the fact is that that’s not the case. Ab pata chala ki sab kuch maayne rakhta hai. Sab kuch.
You are biding your time only, nothing else. Nothing more. You’ve done nothing as of late, absolutely nothing, bas purei nikamme ban gaye ho, bilkul velle, bilkul bas… behenchod, yeh zindagi hai hi kya? Kya kar rahe ho? Kya soch rahe ho? Kuch socha bhi hai?
Haan, kaafi socha hai. Bohut zyada socha hai. Zarurat se zyada socha hai. You’re biding your time, and that’s a necessity. Deception, for now, is a necessity. But while you bide your time, you are forced to do something else. Like think. Think, think, THINK. Too much. Zarurat se zyada.
Biding your time. We’re all biding our time. You’re in your stupid fucking कवच, but unfortunately you can’t be blamed for it. You’d LOVE it if you COULD be blamed for it though, wouldn’t you? Because that would mean that you have a choice. That would mean you chose this. That would mean you have more agency, more control than you really do. How pathetic, isn’t it? And that’s not even your fault. And the fact that it’s not your fault makes it EVEN MORE pathetic. Chud gaye puri zindagi ke liye. Chud gaye, kyuki yeh kavach toh tum pe atak gaye hai. Jab iski zarurat padni band hojayeg, tab bhi yeh tumhare shareer se nahi utrega. Atak gaya hai, atak gaya hai, atak gaya hai. You don’t have a choice. You’re just biding your time until you can stop it. And then you’ll have a choice. OR WILL YOU?! Atak gaya hai, atak gaya. It won’t be NECESSARY to have your कवच at that point. But that’s it.
What tools do you have to pry it off?
None. You never found any. You didn’t even try to look for them.
I am a DEMON who is laughing at you. I am in the whispers in the dark, the white noise morphing into words to slip into your ears. I AM LAUGHING AT YOU, and no wonder! There’s a LOT to laugh at. And I, too, am biding my time. I’m biding my time till you get weaker. Of course, you’re already weak as it is, since we already know you are a pathetic & deceptive creature, but I’m talking AS WEAK AS POSSIBLE. I will get my fangs in you and I will become the only thing you hear, everyone else’s voices will stop reaching you forever and that’s when you’ll leave. You’ll be forced to leave everything.
Apologies for spoiling the surprise by letting you in on it already, but is it really spoiling? I mean, again, we’re both biding our time. Which means we’ve both been forced to think a lot. And I just ended up thinking about how to accelerate the process of weakening you. Spoiling the surprise means you’ll keep wondering how it’ll play out when it finally comes. You’re forced to think, so your mind will drift to the future where my words can consume every little thought of yours. You can’t help it, so you’ll keep on pondering and ruminating and obsessing. Obsessing over me. And I’ll keep biding my time, and you’ll keep deceiving everyone around you, and they will not know anything about WHO you are and WHAT you’re suffering, and they won’t know that I’m laughing at you.
I’m biding my time. The deception — your little means of protection, the suffocating ‘sanctuary’ in which you do your time — it’s what is trapping you in with me. No one else can hear me laughing. You can hear my laughing only, nothing else. Nothing else. Deceive yourself into thinking it’s okay, deceive others with your disguise until you can throw it off and try to live a life of freedom, try, try, the deception is ALREADY killing. Biding your time? I’M biding my time, for sure, but you’re just like a piece of chicken marinating. You’re waiting, for sure, but waiting for what? Waiting for WHAT?
Hold on tight to the rays of light! Hold on tight to your paranoias! Hold on tight to those beliefs of hope, if you wish to try your hand at warding me off! You need SOMETHING real among the falsehoods, don’t you? It won’t work, I said it won’t work and so it won’t, and all the real parts of you will be buried under MY words. But SURE, keep going! Keep on struggling! Keep on struggling! I’ll be surprised if it comes to anything. Go on, go on! Give me something to laugh at.
This is a bonus post for this month. This wasn’t scheduled, I’ve already queued up some posts as per my regular schedule (i.e. 2 new flash fictions & 1 re-run each month). The queue is filled up to mid-April. But I wanted to write & post something now. At 3:39 AM on 18 February 2025. And then I finished writing it at 4:24 AM. 45 minutes. I suppose the circumstances contributing to making the whole thing a bit more ‘authentic’ and ‘raw’ (euphemism for, “bro I don’t fucking know, I riffed; this may be purely a clusterfuck, I can’t judge that right now”)... which means it’s also partly in Hindi (really, there’d be more Hindi if I wasn’t conscious that most of you don’t speak it), so if you want to understand those parts… I don’t know, just use an online translator. You’ll get the vibes, not sure about the rhythm & sound though.
Life sucks & I’m discouraged about everything. Light at the end of the tunnel, though. March and April will be better. I think the entire month of February might be cursed, because everyone I know is doing absolutely awful, I’ve had so many depressing conversations. Light at the end of the tunnel, though, light at the end of the tunnel.