[2] Stars in my vision
NOTE: There are 3 versions of this. Different sequences. Read any one of them. Then come back to another version later. Way later. Or you can do whatever you want, that’s fine too.
Link to version [1] Link to version [3]
DAY ??: A PUNCH TO THE FACE IS ENOUGH TO MAKE IT SPIRAL IF YOU DO IT AT THE RIGHT TIME, DO IT AFTER MANY OTHER PUNCHES, AND MAKE SURE TO ANGLE IT JUST RIGHT, UPWARD, SO THE FORCE CREATES JOSTLES THE BRAIN AND CREATES A CONCUSSION. WHAT LED TO THE PUNCH IN THE FACE IS HARD TO REMEMBER, ON ACCOUNT OF THE CONCUSSION (SYMPTOMS INCLUDING CONFUSION AND MEMORY LOSS) AND I’M ALSO NOT SURE HOW MANY CONCUSSIONS IT’S BEEN BECAUSE OF THE SAME REASON. HOW MANY DO I NEED, ANYWAY? WHAT’S THE SPIRAL? I DON’T THINK I WORK RIGHT, THE CAUSE OF THE PUNCH MAY BE THAT FACT ONLY. IT’S A POISON. IT’S A FLAW IN MY MANUFACTURING.
I feel sick. Dizzy. Hazy. wired and ready to run as much as possible to see everything, everything, but if I stand walk I can feel something getting loose inside my head. As in, it’s loose and kind of… moving around… moving around like my skull is too big for it. Such bad packaging. If you send a gift to someone, you need to make sure the box fits in snugly. Not too small, of course, but not too big either. Or else it will get broken inside the box in transit. You don’t want that, don’t want that at all. What’s this exactly anyway? There’s a pain in my head. My face hurts. It hurts pretty often but I guess that’s from some injuries, but who knows the cause this time? What was I saying before? I think these sequences are out of order. I’m not sure. My head really, really hurts. If I move it too quickly I feel my– oh, brain. Brain is out of place, it’s moving around if I– ohhh, that’s the problem, it moved around a bit. I get it, I get it. It got antsy, it wanted to take a walk, stretch its legs. Very understan– ughh I could vomit. Brain wants to stretch its legs but will make me suffer if I stretch mine, I see how it is. I can’t really divert my vision. It’s all this world, it’s– divert my vision from what? Everything is everything and every time is every time. This time, right now? It is all the times. It is all the sequences. All I can see is stars in my vision.
DAY ??: THE HEART ATTACK WILL LAUNCH ME INTO SPACE, THE BEAUTY ETERNAL AS THE BLOOD SPILLS FROM MY IMPLODED CORPSE; THE STARS WILL STAY WHERE THEY ARE, THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT MY RANTINGS AND RAVINGS AND ARE UNAFFECTED BY THESE TINY LITTLE GORE EXPLOSIONS. I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING, I WANT TO SEE EVERYTHING, AND I AM, AND THE STARS DON’T CARE. I LOVE THEM. I WANT TO SEE AND HEAR AND FEEL AND TOUCH THEM TOO. I LOVE THEM AND THEY DO NOT CARE. I LOVE THEM. MY HEAD IS SPINNING.
It started earlier, right? Right. I think it’s been a few weeks or months. It started some time for sure, and it will end as well. Everything does, everything will. And then it will start again later, after I turn into something else and lose all these connections. It’s not too different, though, not in the sense that I just don’t get it. If I have all the signals of ALL of you, they turn to mush. If I am disconnected from all of you, why would that be different from mush? I don’t GET it either way. I don’t GET the mush, I don’t GET the nothingness. I understand none of your forms. I marvel at their beauty sometimes and rage as well, rage at how overwhelming it is but I must revel in the rage and I must rage at the revelry and I must rage at the beauty and I must see the beauty in the rage-inducing aspects and everything, I must do everything and take in everything. And I am. I am. I see that a lot of things look the– no, EVERYTHING looks the exact same on some level. But there’s the tiniest of differences so a duplicate isn’t the same as its original either, if you clone me then my clone’s data (specifically, when he started existing) is different even if he remembers everything exactly as I do. And you’re all clones of each other and I’m clones of you and you’re clones of me and I’m clones of you, do you get it? The same goes for the stars too, just look at them: vision, hearing, touches, they’re all the same as each other. Do you understand? You do not, and I don’t either. I think my heart launched me into flight because there’s no way I am where I think I am, this is absolutely a dream and anyone who says otherwise is lying. This dream will never end.
DAY ??: FLYING AND STANDING ON THE GROUND ARE BOTH THE SAME, NO DIFFERENCE, MY HEART BEATS AS FAST AS MY NERVE SIGNALS TRAVEL TRYING TO GET ALL THE SIGNALS ALL THE SIGNALS, DO WHAT WITH THE SIGNALS?
That felt like it should’ve been an ending. I’m sorry, everything is flowing strangely, I think the endings are meant to be in places they are not right now. The endings should be elsewhere but they’ve lost their way. I’ve lost my way. I don’t have a guiding light because lights are everywhere. I can feel lights beneath my skin too, and it itches. It’s incredible and glamorous, and there’s something really beautiful about these sights: it’s the night sky when it’s not hidden by the polluted air, the night sky behind all the dust. It’s twinkling and the signal of the stars’ light gets sent to the wrong processing path, so I hear it as the melody of a song. I see the stars as music. If I didn’t have work to do, it would be so incredible. If I was sure I was actually beyond the night sky and I wasn’t in the room I’m in and– well, I KNOW I’m in the room I am in, just that I’m also up there. I’m everywhere and I’m everyone it’s awful and there’s multitudes of you and me and everyone, I love it and I can’t explain. I love people who ask me if I’m doing well and they ask for an explanation as to what exactly I’m going on about and whatever I say makes no sense, no sense at all. I don’t know what to do, but I know everything and the right thing is lost and there’s falsehoods and many many methods to distinguish between truth and falsehoods and it is all lost, all mired. All, all, all all lost.
DAY ??: FLYING SOARING YET SIMULTANEOUSLY DOWN TO EARTH; I’M ENTANGLED AND ENMESHED, BIGGER THAN MY BODY.
When I put my feet on the ground I can feel them meld with it, and this connects me to everyone who has their feet on the ground. But the connection is flawed, the signals on them are fragmented. They’re buzzing, they’re wrong. They’re broken and fragmented. Because there’s too many signals coming into me and not enough brains in one single body to process them all. There’s no filter. I feel the touch of all these people and the processes going on in them (static, glitchy, broken signals) and I have no use for them, and what’s before my eyes? What comes into my ears? It’s the sounds and sights of the room I sit in. But there’s no filter. I hear and see and feel everything, and that includes the useless stuff too. There’s sparks. Sparkling. Sparkling. Everyone is a hypocrite too, me included, because what’s the use of– what? I lost track of what I was supposed to say. Why are they all hypocrites again? What did they say? I can hear it all, but it’s all mixed up. I can’t hear anything as a result, it’s all static, can you stop? Please, just for a moment, let everything stop.